2005-02-16 - 9:08 a.m.

It is so difficult to find the time to update. I feel like my life is suddenly in fast forward; I am so busy all of the time. Right now the baby is sleeping on my lap. I should wake her up and keep her to a schedule, but I decided to take this time to write a quick update.

Not much is new. I am officially a parent and find myself constantly discussing such interesting topics as breastfeeding, poop consistentcy, sleeping schedules, and ways to keep my baby awake. I am slightly worried that after months of such fascinating discourses on newborns, I will begin to slowly lose my identity and will no longer recognize "Nancy." Will I become an entirely different "Nancy?" Will I resemble the previous "Nancy" at all? I don't want this to happen . . . I don't want to be the mom who loses all sense of self and is only able to define herself as a mommy. I need more than that. I realize that this means being a little selfish. It requires that I demand an identity - that I demand time to continue developing a self that is separate from child. Yes, the attachment parenting supporters would probably call me a bad mommy. But I've already accepted that I'm not going to be perfect. I have my limitations. And I've discovered that I really don't want to do the stay at home thing for longer than a year. I need a career of some sorts -- not just for the income (which is a necessity) but for my sense of self. After all, I didn't pursue a master's degree just so I could stay at home and raise children.

Don't get me wrong -- I love my baby girl, but let's face it: few of us can afford to stay at home and solely raise children. It's not realistic and it will be even less realistic when my daughter's an adult. I am setting an example for her to follow. I want her to always place importance on having a unique sense of self. Having a sense of self is what gets you through the tough times; it gives you courage to change an unhappy situation; it allows you to explore and take risks. I want my daughter to realize that she can become whatever she wants. But you can't impart this message through lip service alone. You must be a living example.

So how to balance everything? There's an interesting article in Newsweek about this very issue; one article says that it's a myth -- you can't have it all. I'm not sure I believe that, but I do know that it's damn hard to figure out and to make it all work. That is my goal for this year though. To find a solution that makes everyone happy. Am I perhaps searching for the pot of gold?

Nancy

yesterday - today - profile - diaryland - email - leave me a note - diaryrings

Moving to a new home - 2005-03-28
Grumpy mommy - 2005-03-17
at last - an update! - 2005-03-16
Ahh - spring is upon us - 2005-03-01
I finally have a spare 5 minutes. - 2005-02-26