2004-06-10 - 7:27 a.m.

I have been so incredibly depressed for the past few days. It�s been very rainy here in central Texas and perhaps the rain is contributing to my melancholy.

I have so many conflicted feelings about this pregnancy. I am scared to death of miscarrying and so, I handle it in the worst possible manner � I smoke. I guess by continuing to smoke I am disconnecting myself from my body, disallowing myself to become to attached to the life that is forming in my womb. But of course, this situation is a Catch 22 as the smoking might increase the likelihood of miscarrying. Now before the pregnancy police jump my ass, I haven�t been smoking a lot. The most I�ve smoked is 3 cigarettes in a day and according to some doctors, a woman can safely smoke up to five. What bugs me though is this behavior doesn�t fit into how I want to be as a pregnant woman. I envisioned myself as the mother goddess, grounded and carrying the knowledge of previous generations in my womb. Instead, I�ve been acting like some ignorant fool who disrespects the miracle that is life.

Indeed, I feel like everything but the beautiful mother goddess. I�m having such a difficult time dealing with the changes that are occurring in my body. I have gained 5 lbs. 5! And I�m only in week 7! True, my weight does tend to fluctuate and the two pounds I gained this week could easily disappear this weekend. But nonetheless, I feel like I�ve already gained 50. I feel so fat and bloated and sluggish. I even feel like my walk has changed and that I�m now waddling down the hallway for my many trips to the bathroom. I worry that I won�t be a �cute pregnant girl,� but a fat cow instead. I�m scared to lose my girlish looks as I metamorphasize into a matron, who stays at home and hangs out all day with an unmade face, unkempt hair, and the uniform of old, stretched out pajamas. I don�t want to gain anymore than 20 lbs. this entire pregnancy and I�m afraid that�s going to be a little difficult.

I�m beginning to realize how much of my self worth is connected to a number on the scale. Not just because a certain weight makes me feel good about myself but because if that number gets too high, I can restrict other numbers, such as calories, until I get back down to my idealized weight. Obsessively watching my weight gives me control over the world. It allows me to take action and feel empowered when I�m not always able to do so in the other areas of my life. And now, that control is being taken away. I have a limited say in what happens to my body and I�m scared to death of what will happen. Perhaps that�s why I�m still smoking. It�s my way of saying �fuck you nature, I do have some control.� Unfortunately, both types of control are self-destructive.

So this pregnancy is obviously going to be a real adventure. I am going to be forced to come face to face with my demons and I have no choice but to face them head on.

Last night my husband quizzically studied my morose face as we lay in bed and he expressed his worries over my smoking and depression. He said that he just wants me to be happy and that he�ll do anything to make that happen. It broke my heart. Yesterday was his birthday and I felt horrible that he was only concerned for my wellbeing. Sometimes, when I think about him, I want to cry because I love him so much and it�s impossible to express such love to another being. I imagine I will feel the same way about my children.

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Moving to a new home - 2005-03-28
Grumpy mommy - 2005-03-17
at last - an update! - 2005-03-16
Ahh - spring is upon us - 2005-03-01
I finally have a spare 5 minutes. - 2005-02-26